The maid of honor just puked.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
