I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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