please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
