The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
