My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Randomize
