watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
