Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
