I can text with my tongue
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
