I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
