When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
