my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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