well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
