spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
