Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
