That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
