she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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