I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
