I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
