i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
