The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
