Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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