Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
