OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
