No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You need Xanax blowdarts
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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