I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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