You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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