the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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