Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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