I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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