he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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