Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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