She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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