Porn is love you can see.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
