Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
