dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
