Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
