Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
