I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
