youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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