So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
