Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
