This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
