I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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