bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
