I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
