He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
