tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
