i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
