remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
