I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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