So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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